Meanwhile, In Canada:
To all you Americans close to the Canadian border wondering where the skunky-smelling smoke is coming from….SORRY. That’s us.
Just kidding! Most pot-smoking Canadians are smoking or eating the same amount of weed they always did; they’re just doing it now with a big shit-eating grin on their face. Wait, they already had that shit-eating grin on their face…maybe it’s just a grinnier shittier shit-eating grin now? Like a legal grin? Shit. I’m confused.
I need Snoop Dogg!
Ironically, I happen to live in the city that opened British Columbia’s one and only weed store. I found it bizarre that we were the only place out of cities like Vancouver and Victoria, etc. I also couldn’t believe we only had one fucking store in the entire province! At least we got one. Those suckers in Ontario got shut out completely; poor bastards. Back to smuggling through Quebec like the good ole days, only back then it was cigarettes.
Wow. We’ve come so far, haven’t we?
Of course the news story across the country was all about the ‘Mary Jane’; media outlets and news anchors hanging outside the stores…like somehow everyone and their grandma and her bloody little dog is going to be lining up for the Kandycane Kush like it’s Black Friday. Okay… so they were….but they sure were mellow. No one pushing and shoving like those shopaholic freaks grabbing the last Tickle Me Elmo. Those fuckers are the ones who need the weed.
Also, I could hear puzzled but happy tourists shout out in their broken English: “We love Canada!” They may or may not have just walked out of the new ‘store’. And the pizza place next door sold out of dough so there’s that.
So once again, to our neighbours down south who are depressed and over-medicated; stressed out and intoxicated; gun-toting insomniacs constantly Ambien tweeting (my bad, that was just Roseanne)….we’re sorry. To those of you who need to get out of America, grab your passport and your bong and drive to your nearest border crossing. Or send smoke signals. Canadians love smoke.
Just try to be quiet about it. We don’t need your brainless leader and his Keebler elf to catch on.