Monday has come, probably conquered, and is almost over in my world (mercifully over for many others in different time zones). I have come to realize Mondays have always been the bane to my existence, even if they don’t carry the weight of the “first work day” for me. Working in bars and strip clubs and then health care, I usually work weekends and have had the majority of Mondays off. You would think this would spare me the pain of that day. It doesn’t. It’s like some kind of karmic witchcraft voodoo shit that haunts me every week. I am pretty sure I’m not alone in this!
Today was a weird day, as it’s a holiday here in B.C., and the apocalyptic scene outside that is our heavy cloak of smoke and ash with a red sun staring down didn’t help much.
I never got a chance to even get online much, so I rushed to get to the Manic Monday Music Challenge and I had a funny feeling wash over me when I saw the song choice. “Sentimental Journey”. It didn’t matter who the artists were or all of the musicians who have covered that song; it was the words that resonated.
August is a hard month for me, especially being a summer girl. It will be ten years that I have had to face a deep sorrow that, no matter how many experts and well-meaning friends tell me, does not dull with time. Sometimes the loss of someone who was, in all honesty, your ‘other half’, is gaping. A deep, painful hole that never gets closed. Maybe it’s not supposed to. I mean, we go on everyday, right? We live, because that’s what life is for–the living. For the first few years, I was always puzzled by my sudden dark mood mid-summer, but as the date of the ‘anniversary of death’ (again, who comes up with these horrible analogies you are supposed to use?) would near, I finally figured it out. Many times, I would honour the loss in silence, or with a quick text or call to loved ones who would be dealing with the loss as well. Other times, I couldn’t even function and my husband would find me sitting, staring out at nothing in particular, for hours on end. The patience he had, now that I look back, was pretty outstanding.
People always say ‘you will always have the memories’, and for me, a sentimental journey is daily; quick, fleeting thoughts, or songs and scents that make me feel like he is still here with us. Sometimes, I think he really is. Weird, unexplainable shit that happens that only he and I would get.
And deep down, somewhere in this pit of pain, I feel gratitude.
To suffer this great sorrow is to know I was lucky enough to have experienced significant, unconditional love. I was so fortunate to have someone who always had my back, who made me feel safe, even in the most chaotic times; I am grateful for the joy he brought me, and everyone else, throughout our lives. I am fully aware that our relationship was unique and I cherish it everyday. I know not everyone gets to experience that in their lifetime. So yes, I have a hole in my heart that will never heal; but I also have the knowledge that I had someone who was in my life since the day I was born, who was, essentially, my other half. Our weird, telepathic, almost identical presence was a path set out for us and I am so grateful we were able to take it together, if only for a short time.
I’m sorry this post isn’t very funny, but it’s a perfect, ironic end to a weekend of unsettling news, a little soul-searching and time spent enjoying old memories while collecting and creating new ones. This ends the perfect sentimental journey for me.
And also, tomorrow is Tuesday. I’ve always liked Tuesdays. They smell like new beginnings and bad decisions, which are two of my favourite things.
Thank you Sandi at Flip Flops Everyday. You keep me on my toes, in a good way. If you want to participate in her Music Challenge check it out. I like it, well, basically because it’s music, and there’s no real rules. 🙂