February is Discount Chocolate Month

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The plight of February isn’t that it’s smack in the middle of winter, which holds the title of Shittiest Season Ever, and it’s not even that it is right after January, the month of fresh starts and well-meaning intentions, so it can’t even live up to the hype of that….no, February’s the month that unwillingly pukes up candy hearts and cheesy love songs with a ‘holiday’ that doesn’t even give you a paid day off work.

February got the short end of the Gregorian calendar stick. No wonder it only has 28 days — except for the ridiculous Leap Year bullshit that no one can explain. It sits gray, dark, dismal and once the Superbowl is over, bored stiff. By mid-February, everyone has abandoned their gym memberships and the greens in their crisper are rotten, no longer going into the Vitamix with glee. The excitement over the new closet organizers and basket systems has dimmed and they sit, assembly required, near the overflowing closets they were supposed to organize. And it’s too wet, too cold, too muddy..did I mention too cold?…to put on those new, 200 dollar running shoes anyways!

So what’s left you say? How else can modern-day life make everyone feel mediocre and/or unworthy at such a bleak time of the year? Hell, let’s throw in a useless ‘holiday’ in the middle of the month.Let’s say..the 14th? Yep, sounds good.

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February 14th..lets call it..um….oh….I got it! Valentine’s Day! Ya, let’s make up a holiday around a ‘saint’ no one knows much about, except for a few legends that throw around a fact that Valentine was a priest imprisoned for marrying couples so that the husbands didn’t have to go to war. Sounds legit to me. And why not make it all about romance? You know, the kind of romance that only exists in the Soap Operas of the 80’s and Ben Moss jewelry commercials.

Boom! Holiday gold. Literally.

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So please, single people, go out and create that e-harmony profile in hopes of not spending a random day in February alone. And, married people, take one day out of the 364 that you spend with your significant other, and take them out for a nice dinner, buy some chocolate, maybe some wine to loosen them up.You know, pretend you like them. Women, for god’s sake, don’t forget that lingerie to show your husband how much you love him. As for the twenty minutes you spent in the Hallmark card isle? Time wasted. No man has ever wanted a mushy poem about the two of you being entwined together like lovebirds for eternity. Ever. Oh, and you men?! Don’t be cheapskates…get out there and charge those diamond earrings to the Visa (just add it the Christmas gifts you will be paying off until you’re 70). As for the Hallmark card isle – you better hit that. Apparently women do want that mushy card with the doves and kittens and a haiku about being together forever.

This, folks, is apparently how you show your loved one how much they mean to you. Of course, the significance is that much greater when all of this is done on the 14th of the shittiest month of the year.

I say don’t fret, people, whether you’re single or not. Before you know it, that dreaded day named after a saint that no one knows anything about on a day that means absolutely nothing, will be over and then the real reason to crack a smile in February reveals itself: The Store wide Clearance Sales on Valentine’s Day Chocolate!

If that doesn’t say love, then I might just be the most bitter woman in the world.

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